Why Am I Doing This?

I’m bone tired. I’m utterly famished. My body is depleted… my mind crumbling…clinging to the edge of my will, tempted daily to give in… and give up.

Leaning against the leg press, I search for a strength I can no longer seem to find within myself. I’m tapped out. Tears begin pooling, threatening to pour out in a downpour I know will be difficult to contain. As the mindstorm closes in, I feel a gentle tap on my left shoulder.

Kenny Walker, a fellow trainer, locks eyes with my misty, bloodshot orbs, and with certainty and confidence, breathes a message of hope and strength….

“You gotta keep moving. If you give in now, you won’t accomplish your best.

Overcome your mind. Don’t let it win. Figure out why you’re doing this.

Ask God, ‘what are You teaching me in this?’

Listen…He will tell you. He told me just now to come over and talk to you.

You’ve got this Chris. I’ve done this before. I know what you’re going through. Right now you are an emotional wreck, struggling just to keep moving. You have to overcome your mind! Remember … YOU CHOSE TO DO THIS!”

After wiping streaks of hot tears leaked out during this much-needed truth speech, I held space for these words. I let the truth seep into my pores like tiny streams of life-giving, thirst-quenching, living water… remember… I exhaled…

And I chose once again…to DO this. I willed my body to finish my set of walking lungs, all the while fighting back the excruciating fatigue. Holding my head higher, I mastered the belt squat machine as the words of the apostle Paul echoed in my more-centered mind, “I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should.”

(1 Corinthians 9:27a NLT).

Later, at home, I began processing my experience with my Savior….

“Lord, why am I doing this? Why am I entering a competition that is requiring me to give so much of myself - physically and mentally? I feel called to this. I know You are in it. Lord, please open my ears to hear You. To hear the message You have for me.”

I wrote these words to the Lord last week in my journal.

And I’m still pondering the question of why? as I make my final push before competition day. Honestly, I have no clear answer yet.

What I do know is this….

I can’t help but feel that all this rigorous training I’m enduring in preparation for that competition stage is somehow preparing me for my husband’s upcoming deployment.

His deployment is approximately 10 months (give or take a month).

10 months of not having Daddy to intervene in the boys’ fights.

10 months without my husband to shovel the snow on the walkway, or mow the grass, or fish the hair out of the bathroom sink.

10 months of no intimate kisses, or “just holding me” when I feel depleted.

10 months….

I breathe.

I speak truth to myself:

“Chris, you chose this path. You chose to marry a military man. You are a military spouse. You are a strong Mama!

And…you chose to compete”.

What if all this physical training is for something greater? Something outside myself?

Why am I doing this?

I don’t know... maybe we can’t fully answer that question (this side of heaven) when we feel compelled or chose to face a challenge in our lives. A challenge that requires us to walk straight up to the very edge of our own human limitations and admit that on our own, we are weak. We need a strength that we cannot conjure from our own flesh and will.

This I DO know … training is causing me to cling to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who has given me everything I need for life and godliness. As I move forward one day at a time, I am comforted again by the words of Paul, this time from Philippians chapter 4:

​I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.

As I push my body this final week before my May 28th competition…I’m embracing the truth that it is Christ who strengthens me for every challenge I face.

What challenge are you facing today? It may be physical: low energy, recovering from an illness, trying to ‘get in shape.’ It may be emotional: dealing with a strained relationship, healing from heartbreak, struggling with anxiety. It may be financial: stress about rising prices, working to pay off an old debt, fear of an unknown future. Or, more than likely, it is a combination of multiple challenges that surround us daily - one bleeding into another, keeping us on high alert, acutely aware of an inner sense of exhaustion…our need.

Whatever the challenge, go back to the question: Why am I doing this?

Often it’s the time spent with Jesus wrestling over our why that helps us practice dependence on our Savior and Creator.

I am practicing a physical and mental challenge, so that perhaps I am more prepared to face the multi-faceted challenge of parenting alone and living without my husband for over 10 months.

What you are choosing today could possibly prepare you for what only God knows is coming in your future.